A New Season

I have always been a pretty impatient person. I am constantly think "when _______ then _______." Usually it's, "When it's fall, I'll slow down" or "When my kids are older, I'll feel less stress."

Regrettably, that's not the case. Life is busy. Life has stress. Nothing gets easier, the hard just... changes.

As my youngest is getting closer to starting school full time, I have been in a state of unrest. I am excited that my baby will get to go to kindergarten and have fun and make friends and learn. I am excited to have hours of uninterrupted time to paint and work on MY projects. It sounds wonderful. I have literally pictured myself enjoying a cup of cocoa whilst watching Hallmark movies in December as I take a break from tidying my house or working, and no one is complaining about Kissing Movies.

But. I also feel really sad and convinced I have let my kids down and not been ENOUGH while they were home. I feel acutely every minute of screen time that I "wasted" not being with them. It's emotionally exhausting and I feel like a failure. Do you ever feel that way?

I feel, on one hand, impatient for the kids to grow up and my focus to be able to shift to my priorities. On the other hand, I feel like I'm being selfish and letting my kids down. It's uncomfortable to say the least.

One thing that I have felt as I have been working through all of this, is that when my kids are home (because I will have had TIME to accomplish things I prioritize), I will be able to focus more completely on them. The quantity of time will be less, but I can make the quality so much better. I can be mindful in the moment and enjoy each child better. In theory.

Which brings me full circle to the seasons. I am often impatient for the next season. In August I'm anxious for fall and tempted to decorate with leaves and pumpkins as soon as the calendar page turns -- even when it is 100 degrees outside. In October, I am ready for winter... Christmas. Most of the early years of my marriage, the tree went up the day after Halloween. The day after Christmas, everything gets taken down and put away and deep cleaned (it feels SO good). I start putting out flowers and thinking about Valentine's Day and wishing for spring.

Each season is spent impatiently thinking of the next. It is my goal, then, to stop rushing life. I don't know how, and I know it won't be easy. But I am determined.

So, here is to the last weeks of summer heat.

Here is to creating good habits at the very beginning of this school year.

Here is to living more mindfully and being present.

Do you rush the seasons/holidays? Are you anxious for fall?